It’s no secret that technology makes us all do silly things. Unfortunately, most of those things involve chronic and unnecessary over-sharing on social networking sites. Here are the nine status updates that will absolutely make me hide you on Facebook:
You Threw an Egg at a Chicken in Some Crazy Farm Simulator or Killed a Gangster, or Got 800% Beautiful on the “How Pretty Are You?” Quiz. Or Whatever. Is an explanation really needed for this? It’s spammy, and it clutters my news feed. Hidden!
You Quote Song Lyrics from Whatever Top-40 Drivel Happens to be on at the Moment. I’m looking at you, you B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams’ “Can we pretend that airplanes/ in the night sky/are like shooting stars?” lyric-quoting people. It’s not profound, especially when you try to pass it off as your own.
You Post Play-by-Plays of Your Drunken, Debaucherous Evenings.
“Just bought some Henny! Hope I remember tomorrow, haha!”
“Openin’ the bottle! Hope my friends get here soon!”
“Drinking now. Almost drunk!”
[The Next Day]
“Last night was so epic! Got sooooooooooooooooo wasted!!!!!”
You are not Madden, and your life isn’t nearly as exciting as the NFL. I get it, what you’re trying to convey. You’re fun, you go out drinking and partying, and you probably have friends that watch you drink. Awesome. You know what? I have the Jersey Shore folks for that kind of unsolicited entertainment. Also, you’re forty-six with four grown kids who do not think your updates are cool, you irresponsible so-and-so.
You Post Lengthy Political Tirades — With Academic Citations, to Boot — and Then Expect Me to Click on “See More.” I bid adieu to compulsory pedantry when I graduated from college, and Facebook doesn’t even make me pay forty grand per year to use it. This stuff is rarely interesting, and I’ll only get upset if I detect bigotry, so it’s normally wiped clean from my newsfeed.
You Post About Boring Minutiae.
Everyone’s seen these before. “Holy crap, just found lint in my pocket!” or “Doing laundry — hope it doesn’t bleed into the whites!” “Walking the dog!” “Bathing the dog, now!” Family-friendly updates are fine, and even encouraged, but if all your updates are really that boring, I suggest getting off Facebook and finding a hobby to make suitable updates about. Unless you’re Ned Flanders — in which case, carry on, sir.
You List Yourself as Alternately “In a Relationship,” “Engaged,” in an “It’s Complicated with So-and-So” Scenario, and “Single,” All Within the Course of a Week.
Honestly, if there’s that much commotion in your love life on a consistent basis, why not save yourself the trouble of updating every two minutes on Facebook and just get yourself a reality television show? Bravo, Fox, and MTV/VH1 may be your best bet: It worked for Flavor Flav on Flavor of Love, and continues to work for Basketball Wives, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and a whole slew of other shows. I’m all about taking advantage of the system and getting paid for your personal drama if its a viable option, but I don’t pay for cable-style breakup drama on Facebook. Get your own channel. Plus, it saves me the trouble of having to worry about whether consoling you or congratulating you is the best option at the moment.
You Post Inside Jokes. No one cares. Really. That’s what email groups are for.
You Can’t Spell, Use Wrong Punctuation, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or Otherwise Mutilate the English Language. I’m not the only one that can’t stand PPL DAT TyPe LYKE d1s, right? Right?
Your Announce Your Travel Plans Via Facebook.
If every other week you’re announcing an “impromptu” trip to Bali, or Dublin, or Lima, I’m not going to be happy for you. I’m going to be jealous, angry, and bitter. You will be hidden accordingly, and I can resume living my life as a Starbucks-dwelling, Big Mac-eating, WiFi-stealing, internet-commenting, outdoors-avoiding, monolingual, prototypical American.