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  • 9 Status Updates That Will Make Me Hide You on Facebook

    It’s no secret that technology makes us all do silly things. Unfortunately, most of those things involve chronic and unnecessary over-sharing on social networking sites. Here are the nine status updates that will absolutely make me hide you on Facebook:

    Source

    You Threw an Egg at a Chicken in Some Crazy Farm Simulator or Killed a Gangster, or Got 800% Beautiful on the “How Pretty Are You?” Quiz. Or Whatever. Is an explanation really needed for this? It’s spammy, and it clutters my news feed. Hidden!

    You Quote Song Lyrics from Whatever Top-40 Drivel Happens to be on at the Moment. I’m looking at you, you B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams’ “Can we pretend that airplanes/ in the night sky/are like shooting stars?” lyric-quoting people. It’s not profound, especially when you try to pass it off as your own.

    You Post Play-by-Plays of Your Drunken, Debaucherous Evenings.

    Source

    “Just bought some Henny! Hope I remember tomorrow, haha!”

    “Openin’ the bottle! Hope my friends get here soon!”

    “Drinking now. Almost drunk!”

    “Drunk!”

    [The Next Day]

    “Last night was so epic! Got sooooooooooooooooo wasted!!!!!”

    You are not Madden, and your life isn’t nearly as exciting as the NFL. I get it, what you’re trying to convey. You’re fun, you go out drinking and partying, and you probably have friends that watch you drink. Awesome. You know what? I have the Jersey Shore folks for that kind of unsolicited entertainment. Also, you’re forty-six with four grown kids who do not think your updates are cool, you irresponsible so-and-so.

    You Post Lengthy Political Tirades — With Academic Citations, to Boot — and Then Expect Me to Click on “See More.” I bid adieu to compulsory pedantry when I graduated from college, and Facebook doesn’t even make me pay forty grand per year to use it. This stuff is rarely interesting, and I’ll only get upset if I detect bigotry, so it’s normally wiped clean from my newsfeed.

    You Post About Boring Minutiae.

    Source

    Everyone’s seen these before. “Holy crap, just found lint in my pocket!” or “Doing laundry — hope it doesn’t bleed into the whites!” “Walking the dog!” “Bathing the dog, now!” Family-friendly updates are fine, and even encouraged, but if all your updates are really that boring, I suggest getting off Facebook and finding a hobby to make suitable updates about. Unless you’re Ned Flanders — in which case, carry on, sir.

    You List Yourself as Alternately “In a Relationship,” “Engaged,” in an “It’s Complicated with So-and-So” Scenario, and “Single,” All Within the Course of a Week.

    Source

    Honestly, if there’s that much commotion in your love life on a consistent basis, why not save yourself the trouble of updating every two minutes on Facebook and just get yourself a reality television show? Bravo, Fox, and MTV/VH1 may be your best bet: It worked for Flavor Flav on Flavor of Love, and continues to work for Basketball Wives, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and a whole slew of other shows. I’m all about taking advantage of the system and getting paid for your personal drama if its a viable option, but I don’t pay for cable-style breakup drama on Facebook. Get your own channel. Plus, it saves me the trouble of having to worry about whether consoling you or congratulating you is the best option at the moment.

    You Post Inside Jokes. No one cares. Really. That’s what email groups are for.

    You Can’t Spell, Use Wrong Punctuation, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or Otherwise Mutilate the English Language. I’m not the only one that can’t stand PPL DAT TyPe LYKE d1s, right? Right?

    Your Announce Your Travel Plans Via Facebook.

    Source

    If every other week you’re announcing an “impromptu” trip to Bali, or Dublin, or Lima, I’m not going to be happy for you. I’m going to be jealous, angry, and bitter. You will be hidden accordingly, and I can resume living my life as a Starbucks-dwelling, Big Mac-eating, WiFi-stealing, internet-commenting, outdoors-avoiding, monolingual, prototypical American.

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    15 Comments

    1. Maybe it is shorter and more straightforward, if you tell us, when you keep me on your facebook timeline.

    2. Aw, people posting about “disciplining” their kids. I block them immediately. If they don’t know the difference between discipline and violence, I figure what they have to say isn’t going to enrich my life.

    3. Uh oh, I better change my current status of “Spontaneous trip to Palm Springs”. I thought it was endearing…

      Jackson

    4. #10 – Passive aggressive blog posts describing every action that you feel are worth hiding me for.

      Seriously – was this really worth posting on the blog of a commercial business site? Seems pretty damned unprofessional to me.

      If you’re going to hide someone, just do it. Don’t make it a spectacle.

    5. GetSatisfaction Blog always makes me laugh & reflect during a busy week and this is one of the best posts so far team:)

      ~Clint
      @cazoomi

    6. This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing. My personal favorite was:

      “Drinking now. Almost drunk!”

      “Drunk!”

      [The Next Day]

      “Last night was so epic! Got sooooooooooooooooo wasted!!!!!”

      {me=laughing}

    7. Right on Bro!!
      Tired of this shit! Who the hell cares anyways!

    8. I agree, often we have become so addicted to social networking tools that we dont seem to know what to do if this fails. I have a friend who spends hours at night on his computer tweeting and chatting away so much so that it has begun to affect his ‘physical’ social life.Good or bad ??

    9. Don’t leave home without leaving it behind!

      I often wonder how many have time to do be online all day? Personally, my 24 hours are completely filled with my business, being a mom, partner, wife, etc. that I rarely get enough time to answer email and visit with friends of my own or for pleasure browse the web; yet, what this post noted in its title was an eye-catcher.

      The last entry I felt compelled to comment: If someone is feeling free enough to post every single time they leave their front door, when they come back, when and where they are driving, flying, boating, bussing, skiing, and when they leave on vacation, etc… I’d expect that at some point when they return to their home, it may not be quite as they left it.

      As trusting as some of us still remain, or is it naive? We need to be mindful of what we post, how we post and where. Even my post here is up for grabs. Yesterday I heard whatever is shared on the internet is there forever. So here I put my words out to you in stone. Cyberstone.

      So just what do I mean by “Don’t leave home without leaving it behind?” You guessed it: A warm body. The fun-loving, trusting posting citizens of the internet world hopefully will have hired a housesitter before leaving on vacation and posting every move they make. Who knows? I may just post the same thing too someday. Some peeps may want to know all about it. But I’ll be sure someone is at home to watch over the kitty cats!

      GetSatisfaction has been around for quite some time and I enjoy that you’ve grown stronger and it looks fabulous! Keep up the great work!

    10. Very true. Here’s a 10th one:

      You link your Twitter feed and your blog post to your Facebook account and promote your part-time business to your friends on a consistent basis.

    11. Thoroughly enjoyed the read and completely agree!

      As a business owner myself I see nothing unprofessional about this article :)

    12. Amazing epic rant. Somehow I still believe you, like me, don’t dump friends who spam their (your) facebook and twitter. Ever notice how its the extroverts and introverts on Facebook? And that the extroverts spam and the introverts complain about the extroverts? Truly funny.

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